my best dream.

He looked down at me, and said with sadness swimming in his eyes

"Were pretty rare, you know"

I, reflecting his emotions... with a bit of confusion asked,

"What do you mean?"

Heavy eyes, blank with words smeared across their gloss, help me understand I stared back.

And right then he took the glance by the hand, and swerved his thoughts and emotions.

His eyes danced icy blue, acknowledging our surroundings,

... He sighed.

Even though I'm not yours to take, this moment is just so weak, and I know all the consequences that will fall after this, but...nothing makes sense, I loved you before there was a name to your face, even before the face of yours emerged in the basic scenes of my daily routines, long before exchanged words, or any hello that came with time. I loved you, I love you.

And I know there is no way were going to be this alone again, so I thought I'd give this time to take us back, and I want to say all the things I should before we proceed into the future, we've created for ourselves, or mostly I’ve created for us. I promise I’ll keep it light.

I felt our relationship was going nowhere.

I let it all go, and I know it’s my fault, cause I’m the weak link to all the errors.

I don't know even to this day how I forgot whom I was abandoning, when I said goodbye.

I am selfish, and I want to believe that I mostly was just trying to fit the cookie cutter image of a teenage boy

In it for lust, looks, and touch.

I'm shallow.

But no matter how much I hate myself for all the wrong things I’ve done, cause I know I’ve done far worse than this. I will eventually forgive myself, and try to be a better person from it.

But with you I won't ever forgive my actions, cause everything summing up me to this point has created a gap that won't ever be filled, yeah we could try again, but this mistake isn’t a bruise. Its a long and still active scar, that only tears open with yesterdays words, still buried beneath our flesh, forever it stains..

I’m not going anywhere, you’re not leaving. But were both not staying either.

I wont forgive this mistake, I’ll always be sorry.

To make you hate yourself,

To make you whisper you’re sorry too

To make you cry

I won’t forgive me, and even though you constantly say its okay.

It will never be okay again.

So were pretty rare, cause even after all this, I know one day I’m going to marry, one day I’ll have a family, one day this will be a dry scab, that I will often play with just to remember the pain,

The summer rain when everything was just... good.

Laying in the future too far for us to see, an old man sits on a chair "how different would this have been..." he thinks.

The smell of old peppermint is consealed in the room, where there's an old blue eyed woman satisfied, a women who made his life just enough.

here: I scratch deeper, still it burns, bring me back until were right here, at this moment

Blood pumping, crimson skin rushing, ..........young again, hurting

I can hear myself finish my statement to her.

Visions blur.

He stops and the more silence drain in, I can feel us drifting apart. Tears too clear, and too pure vanished with a few wipes.....as I recomposed myself on that day.... catching myself, before I could say, we'll be okay." I opened my mouth to start again, not really knowing what I was going to bring into the reality of our young lives.

But before I could, the crowd caught up with us, as friends joined us at the lake, with snacks & wild wind, they jumped causing chaos on the waters unmoving current. We faded, words lost in wind, I thought often about that summer, wondering if someone was swallowing he's words that lingered in the oxygen, would they know, did they know? Could they feel it as it moved through their being, would they feel as alive as I did, when I realized how rare we were? How I’m here, and not there and yet I had a past, a person who loved me like in those movies, minus the happy ending?

Or did his words die like the love inside me, when I sat in my rocking chair wrinkled and worried, as then I realize, we never crossed the gap.

In some parallel universe, I know we did work it out though, somewhere out there I was with him, and somehow we made it good, we did all the things we wanted all the memories; we caught up with, I think we found each other years later and said, "let's start over "and within it.. all our 11:11 wishes, crossed fingers, were more than words lost in air, forever had a meaning and nothing was holding us back.

Somewhere out there we were both sitting by the lake, in our old age with daring scars shivering in the moonlight,

somewhere.... we were at the end.... together, standing at the beginning

We made a bridge.

old and stupid, young and dumb, i looked up from this chair, and saw my scab gone.

a foolish boy who had the courage to break this girl with the brown eyes staring back at me.


  1. Wow wow wow.
    You are an AMAZING writer.

  2. :) thank you. means so much!